Wednesday, March 5, 2014

I need those two weeks.

This is going to be an opinion post, which means a percent of you [yet to be determined] will roll your eyes, side-eye me, insert more disagreement actions here.

I am adding this to my blogging journal as a place to remember my pregnancy hormone induced honesty.

I am a selfish mommy. 

This specific selfish moment has nothing to do with anything other than my newborn. I have anxiety induced feelings over this often, and it was all confirmed with the recent Facebook circulation of an article about a having your last baby. It brought up lots of emotions about this being our last planned child.

I am already obsessing over the delivery and those precious moments after birth. I want to enjoy every moment --as long as L&D goes as well as the previous two-- and bask in those glorious moments that happen after the doctor and nurses finally take quiet steps out of the room. I can already smell that new baby smell!

I love seeing family and friends at some point after birth. It's nice to introduce the new bundle and feel the love surrounding our new family. Hospital visits are great when the momma is ready. There is a period of recovery and rest needed and then bring it on... with a text first. I've had friends have to wait in the waiting room while I feed or the baby gets tests done with the nurses. Don't be surprised if we take your picture with her, and if it ends up in a scrapbook somewhere. We are a bit crazy like that!

What's the point of all of this? I am a selfish mommy. I am a newborn hog. I don't want to share my newborn for more than five to ten minutes at a time. The newborn stage is the quickest stage in a child's life. They are only that brand new for such a short time. Now that I have been through this twice, I try to be conscious of this when I visit friends and their new babies. I wait for them to offer for me to hold the baby. If I do, I get in some snuggles and hand the baby back. Who doesn't love visiting a new baby?! I handle newborns as part of my job and I still can't get enough.

I want to enjoy their new baby, too. But I will never remember those moments the way that baby's mother will. She will remember the feel of the fuzz on their head, the coos and grunts they make at random, the way his/her body fit perfectly in her arms, the way their head settles perfectly on her chest. And all too soon that hair will be half way down their back, their coos and grunts will become words and sentences, and they won't want to be cradled in your arms anymore. Heck, they won't even fit!

My oldest, who I swear was just born yesterday, is headed to Kindergarten this August!

And before anyone who knows me in real life starts to get worried... don't feel like you have to avoid me completely for two weeks. I don't mind visits from friends, and I don't mind you holding my baby. You've all been there, most of you recently. I can't really picture any of you settling into my house for hours upon hours to play baby hog while I run around "getting things done". Just don't expect me to look presentable, have a clean home, or have cookies cooling on the stove. Because I have those things normally, right?

I get anxiety over obligated gatherings with a newborn. It has nothing to do with germs. If you show up to a place where there is some sort of event, with a bunch of friends and family members, chances are you are going to be expected to play pass the baby. Someone is going to decide that it is their given right to snuggle your baby for an hour to give you a "break". Truthfully, I don't need a break from my baby. I need a break from the rest of life.

I'm not thinking... What can I do with this baby so I can do dishes? Cook. Fold clothes. Organize the linen closet.

I'm thinking... I wish I didn't have to do dishes right now. Cook. Fold clothes. Organize the linen closet.

For the first two weeks, I just want to be with my baby. I want to sit in bed and cuddle and bond. I want to listen to her noisy breathing as she sleeps on my chest. I want to catch the seldom awake moments where she looks around the room for the nearest point of light. I want to take it all in, because this is my last. I'll never get those moments again.

A mother's emotional state after birth is fragile at best. A bowl of blueberries could trigger a downpour of tears.

Everything else can wait. And it will wait. I don't expect anyone to come to my house and do chores. I don't really want them to. Even if someone is in my house for the sole purpose of aiding me in some way, I am going to feel some responsibility for their well being while here. It is part of the reason I will not be having family stay with me for at least two weeks.

I've always been very appreciative of the helpers who drop off meals, say hello for fifteen minutes or so, and then slip back out the door. The friends who let me know they are here to help if I need it. They see the baby, they check on the new momma, and they continue about their day.

At some point you have to move on from each phase of life, and soon it will be time for us to move on from this one. Until then I'll enjoy the last weeks of pregnancy, and I'll make the most of each day I get with each child I have. No day is promised to us, so can't I be a little selfish for the ones that I have?

So how many eye rolls were there? Horrified stares?!

That's fine. If I have to step on a few toes to make sure my emotional needs are taken care of, so be it.

I just need those two weeks to be selfish.


cara said...

I just had my 3rd baby in July. I feel the exact same way as you and am straightforward with people. I always tell them " I don't share my newborn" ( but will happily share my 3 year old if there are any takers). However, this time was a little different. My oldest child is 5. The baby was born after 7 pm so he was home in bed when she was born but came to the hospital to meet his sister the next morning. We figured it would be a quick visit and then he'd head off on an adventure with Nana and check in later. But he didn't want to leave my side. He sat in the bed with me and held his baby sister for almost the entire day. She is almost 8 months old and he talks about how he misses holding her when she was tiny.It was worth it to share her with him. Those days go by waaaaay too quickly.Your post made me tear up. Be as much of a baby hog as you can!

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