Thursday, October 14, 2010

Confession

I'm not perfect.

You're shocked aren't you? I hope not! Everyone needs a little bit of imperfection in their lives, and I have plenty of it. I also think every blog needs a little bit of imperfection. Even though you know I'm not perfect, it can come off that way if all I post about is the joys of my children and the small successes I do have in life. So here is some imperfection for you...

I struggle with anxiety. A lot of it. Anyone who has had a baby knows the hormones are raging after you have a baby and things like anxiety and depression are either triggered or exaggerated. With Brooke I made it through. I pushed past the anxiety that plagued me for 9 months and moved on with my life. But after having Molly I couldn't push past it. I couldn't drive over bridges with out envisioning it collapsing and us all plunging into the cold water. I was afraid to let Brooke go swimming with Dustin in case something happened and I wasn't there. I found myself imagining everything horrible that could possibly happen to my girl... happening. I couldn't fall asleep for hours at night because my mind was plagued with this darkness. After 8 weeks of torment, and encouragement from some of the best e-friends I know, I sought help from my doctor. I am now on anti-depressants and starting to feel much better.

I get lonely. I may live in a house with my husband, a wild toddler, a fussy baby, and a vocal dog... but I get lonely. The main reason I picked up a part time job this past Spring was for adult conversation. You don't realize how important interaction with other functioning adults is until you have spent 5 days straight conversing with a babbling toddler. I moved to Indiana fresh out of college and knew no one. Sometimes I feel like I still don't know anyone. I don't have many friends here.

I stress over my weight. I have always been very conscious of my weight issues and became slightly obsessed with working out in college. Even then I really wasn't all that thin, but I was in shape and felt content. But now, after two babies, I need a lot of work. And sometimes it plagues me. I see pictures of myself from a few years ago, or I watch as people around be get thinner and thinner. I hate having one pairs of jeans that fit me right now. I hate having one or two shirts to wear. I hate that most days I go to the store in yoga pants and old college t-shirts.

So there are my not so perfect confessions. Things that I really shouldn't worry about but I do. For now I just do what I can to be the best me I can me for my husband and my girls.

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3 comments:

~Ashley~ said...

HUGE hugs to you sweetie!! I too have anxiety issues when it comes to the girls. I envision the worst things happening & just break down in tears over the thought of it. I'm so proud of you going for help, it's still something I've yet to do. I SO SO SO wish we lived closer, I think we have alot of similarities. I mean, what are the odds of 2 Dustin's? :) I'm here if you ever wanna chat it up!

Jill said...

Hi Jessica,

I used to post on the bump and check out your blog from time to time because our kids are close in age. I totally relate to this post, and I just wanted to let you know you are not alone! I was reading the line about one pair of pants and two shirts thinking, "Oh my gosh, that's me!" Thanks for such an honest post!

Brittany said...

I just had to comment...I'm not even sure how I found your blog, but anyway, I empathize with you. Every thing you have written is pretty much true for me. I moved back to my home town after college, but don't really have any friends here, I'm a stay at home mom and feel SO lonely most of the time. It feels good to know I'm not alone and that it is ok to feel this way. I also feel you on the anxiety, it is such a hard thing to deal with! Good for you for getting help! Thank you so much for posting this!